Who and Why

Hi, I’m Emme.

Some will be disappointed to learn that in “real life” I’m a suburban dad and software engineer. Others will be intrigued, and curious to learn what drives such a person to write the stories I do under a pen name like mine. This page is for those people. The stuff you’d read in a bio on one of my stories is true, but it’s highlight reel stuff, meant to make me sound cool. The page you’re on now is the nerve-racking stuff that I’m terrified to say out loud.

My upbringing was shaped by a very specific idea of who I was meant to be, driven by a high demand religion, an insular community, and my own compulsive people-pleasing. That ideal self image was big on status and responsibility. It meant being a provider. It was low on creativity and sensuality, but it seemed like those parts of me were always looking for a way to break through.

Years ago I tried a female persona in an online game, and it was liberating, like suddenly I got to write my own part instead of reading the script I’d been given. As that person I created tools, toys, and art enjoyed by hundreds of thousands of people, usually with a sexy edge. Yet if I imagine writing a novel under my real name, the inspiring muse disappears, replaced by gremlins shouting “You’re gross!” and “Who do you think you are?” It looks like, for me, the wild creative side wants to come out feminine and sensual, or not at all. For the longest time no one in my real life knew about that side. After a while, that took its own toll.

So I’m fixing it. The real life friends and family closest to me know that I’m Emme. And now you know a bit about real life me. I am not one to police others’ language, but I appreciate this side of me being referred to as “she” and “her”. If what I create or who I am is not for you, that’s OK—I’m not for everybody. But if any of my stories resonate with you, including the one on this page, then please let me know. It means that the risk was worth it.